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(I've created my own prison)

bad day could have been worse [08 Dec 2005|10:01pm]
[ mood | blank ]

Wow, its been a long time since I wrote anything in here.

Today there was a car accident on the highway. I didnt make the call because Im not allowed to leave work but I went to the department right after work to help clean up and I heard all about it from the guys. In a way Im glad I didnt go, because that would mean no sleep for me tonight. In other ways Id like to have gone for the experience, seems we dont have many car accidents anymore, which is good.

Funny how just seeing how everything effected some of the guys effects me. Theres a guy whos fairly new to the department, were pretty good friends, I guess Ive sorta helped him a bit through lvl 1. This was his first fatal car accident and I listened to him tell me about it, its good to listen when people wanna talk about that stuff. But as he told me about it I started to develop a mental picture of everything, from blood on the road to how the bodies were positioned.

I dont think people realize how hard things like that are on police paramedics and fire fighters. Sure we see it more often than most. Its even been said that firefighters experience as much and possibly more trama than a vietnam vet. People think emergency crews see that stuff all the time and they get used to it. Well nobody gets used to it no matter how many times you see it. And if you do get used to it theres something wrong with you. We dont get used to it we learn to deal with it. We go to those calls and pull bodies out of cars and houses and other places you wouldnt imagine and it doesnt end when the call ends. It sticks with you. I can sit and describe the scene of the first accident I ever went to, and I could do it in more detail than I could if I told you about my day yesterday. To this day everytime I drive by that place I can still see it and it brings back memories of more than just the accident scene.

Anyway, this is getting too long. Just remember, drive safe and be safe. Because if you get in an accident its not just you that pays for it.

(1inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

[15 Jul 2004|08:24pm]
Wow , its been almost a year since ive posted anything in here. Part of the reason is because my computer died months ago. First the hard drive crashed, so I got an old one from a friend, that worked for a day or 2 before that went crazy and started making noises and then just froze. So I got another hard drive from the same friend. This one was better, he got it out of his computer, he didnt need it because his power source in his computer was fried. Anyway, my modem wouldnt work with the new hard drive and in the iddle of trying to fox that the windows xp that was on it decided it needed to be registerd and I didnt have the registration number.

Ive bought a new computer now, I got it from a friend who sold it to me for 900 dollars. He spent 2000 on it a few months ago, and he gave me his computer chair and desk and some cd's with it so thats good.

My car died and for the last few days Ive had that Adam Sandler song in my head "Piece of shit car". It wasnt bad enough that I had to pop the hood and plug my headlights in when I wanted them on, or that my drivers side door was literaly falling off, now the head gasket is gone and theres oil everywhere. I had to push the damn thing and mess with it for about 2 hours. But now its officially dead, I had to ride my bike to work today, that doesnt even work right, the gear shifter is broke and I have to peddal like hell to get anywhere but thats gonna be fixed tomorrow.

Theres been something on my mind for a bit, about seat belts. I used to think it was crazy not to wear one untill I went to a car accident a few months ago. A couple young guys had been drinking and they were driving home. From what I was told they picked up a guy and a few girls they knew. The girls were lucky because they dropped them off. On the way to take the guy home they were obviously speeding because they left the road and took out 2 telephone poles, half way up the pole. The jeep ended up ontop of a hill. The guy that was hitch-hiking was the only one with a seatbelt on, he was also the only one left in the jeep and he was pretty dead. The guy they suspect was driving was thrown from the jeep. He now has brain damage and is being charged. The guy in the passengers side had no seat belt and he died at the hospital. I think the part that got to me the most wasnt the mess at the scene or anything, but the fact that the guy hitch-hiking did nothing wrong, besides getting in the jeep. But he wore his seatbelt and he was the one that as far as I can tell had the least chance of surviving.

Anyway this is already too long. Bye.

(6inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

More on lastnights fire. [26 Mar 2003|05:19pm]
[ mood | sad ]

The names of the 2 victims of last nights fire are Karen(47) and Alyson(8). The fire was believed to have started on the second floor near the chimney. Karen and 3 children ranging as old as 18 escaped the blaze. Then Karen returned to try to save Alyson and lost her life. Im not sure but I think the three that escaped may have had minor injuries. There were 6 departments on hand fighting the blaze Including unit 22 and 14 whichare a pumper and a rescue unit from Yarmouth. Im sure it will be in tomorrows paper and I will most likely put the article in my journal.

(6inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

Enough is enough.... [25 Mar 2003|12:37pm]
Today at around 9:30 am, my pager went off. A mutual aid call to another department. I ran from work to the appartment, which is only a few streets down. I grabbed my bike and I rode the 7 or 8 blocks to the station. By the time I got there I was out of breath and I felt sick. I thought about what would happen if I went into the house with another firefighter that trusted me, and I let them down, because I was out of shape. I realised at that point, that I had given another piece of me to this long distance, and to her parents. Disgusted with myself, I turned around and headed back to the apartment, just as unit 26, with the real firefighters went by.

I am a tolerant man, I am probably one of the most tolerant men you will ever know. But there is a catch, my tolerance doesnt fade, it snaps. Since tha day Cheryl told her father about me, nearing 2 years now, I have been tolerant, understanding, trustworth, faithfull, respectful and honest. There has been little to no change in the way they treat me or Cheryl or us as a couple, and I will have no more. A man that will stand by and watch another man fade away giving his all and not lift a finger to help, a man that would watch his daughter suffer miserably, is a man that desreves absolutly no respect in my opinion.

I have given up my friends, my money, my time, my family, and now my health. I have no more to give, and I will give no more.

However I am a fair man, I will write one more letter, and give one last effort. As of the end of this month, if there is no change, I am through with them.

The time has come to take charge of my life, those that want to be a part of it had better step up, and those that dont, get the hell out of my way...

(5inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

[12 Mar 2003|12:53pm]
*sigh* Ive gone through 4 hours of work and it seems like its been forever, I gotta go back, for another 4 hours, or another eternity ............

(1inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

[06 Feb 2003|12:09am]
Today Cheryl thought she was ugly because of a look some girl gave her in class, of course I believe Cheryl happens to be very beautiful, so in a show of hands, how many people think Cheryl is ugly. If youve never seen a picture of her, theres a link there, its not a great one, but its good.


(18inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

Just curious. [13 Oct 2002|10:39pm]
I have a few people on my friends list, but nobody ever comments, do people even read my journal?

(8inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

Hello [30 Sep 2002|06:11pm]
I have recently made my journal friends only. I did leave a few entries public though. Like the one I did for Cheryl and anotherone. So if you read them and you want to add me let me know and I will gladly add you back.

(I've created my own prison)

Level 1 weekend is all over [22 Sep 2002|10:48pm]
Im back in Yarmouth now,its so nice to talk to my girlfriend again and lay in my own bed, this weekend was level 1 certification. It was a 4 - 5 hour drive between here and the fire school. We had 21 different evolutions we had to complete. They have started doing random testes now. The instructors dont even know hom many tests or what tests we will have to do untill a little before we get there. We had 21 different evolutions and I passed them all.

There was one where we had to replace a length of charged hoseline, I never knew when you took off 1 piece you are supposed to put 2 on to replace it, they passed me anyway because I did the rest right. I was surprised when they told us we had to do the maze, it was a confined space excercise where we had to crawl and climb through a dark enclosed trailer. I did the maze in Yarmouth and hated it, but it was easy at the school. Anyway, now all I need is to catch up to my training officer for haz mat, Im going to try to talk him into teaching me awareness and ops at the same time, and the lady has been slow with my CPR course but after that I will be certified level 1, then I can start studting for level 2,I dont know how long it will be before we can do any tests. They said the department is doing a vehicle ex. cours soon, so Im going to get into that. Then all I'll need is advanced rescue or confined space rescue, Im not sure which they call it.

Anyway, Im just pretty proud now. I was sure I knew all the stuff, but I was afraid I would forget to do some little thing and mess up, but I did good.I think I was one of only a few out of 19 that passed all the tests.

(I've created my own prison)

i dont want to be away from her anymore....... [17 Nov 2001|02:30pm]
[ mood | loved ]

its like i said, i dont want to be away from her anymore, dont get me wrong , ill always be able to wait for her, but its driving me even more crazy than before, i never did want to be away from her, but i kept telling myself that this distance will make us stronger, but i think we are strong enough, i love her so much, she means everything to me, i dont know what is is she does to me, but its something very special, i always used to hear people say "theres someone out there for everyone" and i always used to wonder what if your special someone doesnt live around you, what if there out there somewhere so far away that you never meet them and you never meet your someone, well now i look back and it makes me smile, my someone is far away, but fate somehow brought us together the day i met her in that room, i remember one day she was singing to the lifehouse song, hanging by a moment, and i added one line"im falling even more in love with you, letting go of all ive held onto" and it made her nervous i guess, cuz we knew we liked each other, but noone had ever mentioned love, it was true, i was falling even more in love with her everyday, and whats amazing, is 9 months later, im still falling even more in love with her everyday, weve been through alot together, weve laughed together and smiled together, and weve even cried together, and the more i think about what weve been through, the more i realize just how very special she is and why i fall even more in love with her everyday, i dont know how to describe it, when were together smiling and laughing it just feels.......right........i was looking up at the stars lastnight while i was walking across my yard and i realised , we really are just a small spec in the univers, but its amazing how one small spec and another small spec can come together in the huge universe and have something so special it makes the whole univers look like just a spec, that probably doesnt make sense to you but it does to me

i said this to cherry today,

theres so many things i want to promise you, and so many things i want to give you, and so many things i want us to do together, i wish i could give you all the diamonds in the world, and pick all the roses and bring them to you, i wish i could send you every i love you card ever made

its true, all those things, and more,i wish i could give her the sun and the moon and all the shooting stars to grant all her wishes forever , and i wish i could change the world so nothing would ever take that sweet smile off of her beautiful face, i keep seeing all these quotes and i thought i want to give cherry a nice quote of my own that meant something and this is what i said

"i love you, your my world and ill love you till the day i die, as long as theres a breath in my body, ill tell you i love you, as long as i can open my eyes, ill gaze into yours, as long as i can move my arms ill hold you, as long i can move my lips i will kiss you and as long as my heart is beating, it will always beat for you."

i love you cher bear, you mean the world to me, i cant wait till im with you, i love you so much hehe i love you thiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiis much, and even more than you know te amo bien chica

(1inmate(s) in my own prison | I've created my own prison)

i can never truly put it in words..... [17 Oct 2001|11:52pm]
[ mood | loved ]

But my love is all I have to give
Without you I don't think I can live
I wish I could give the world to you... but
Love is all I have to give
To you... Hey girl, I don't want you to cry no more - inside
All the money in the world could never add up to the love
I have inside...
I love you ------back street boys

in this entry im going to try to put into words how much i love cherry, so not only can i make her understand a little bit more but i want the world to know.

with an ironclad fist I wake up
and french kiss the morning
while some marching band keeps
its own beat in my head while we're talking
about all of the things that i long to believe
about love and the truth
and what you mean to me
and the truth is,baby you're all that I need

I wanna lay you down on abed of roses
for tonite I'd sleep on abed of nails
I wanna be just as close as
the Holy Ghost is
and lay you down on a bed of roses

Well I'm so far away
each step that I take is on my way home
a king's ransom in dimes I'd give each night
just to see through this payphone
still I run out of time
or its hard to get through
till the bird on the wire flies me back to you
I'll just close my eyes and whisper
baby blind love is true ----- bon jovi

My Little Angel
At night i used to dream of love
But i never dreampt that from above
God would send an angel with beauty and grace
That with only words puts a smile on my face

Each day used to be filled with sadness and sorrow
But now they are filled with hope for tomorrw
That someday I'll hold my gift from above
And be with my one, my only true love ----- jimmy watkins

all the time i think of you
you cheer me up when i am blue
you pick me up when i am down
you make me smile each time i frown
i dream that i can hold you tight
and kiss your cheek and say g'night
i love you more than words can say
i know ill be with you someday
and i'll always be there for you
no matter what life puts you through -------- jimmy watkins

lemme tell you about the old me, i was a guy who got picked on in school, ive had friends that i thought were true friends, they werent, one of they started to make fun of me and it hurt, i spent like everyday for about 2 years of my life with him, he knew everything about me and i trusted him, and when he started to act like everyone else, it was like someone stuck a knife in my back and i was left with one less friend , ive had about 4 or 5 real friends throughout my whole life, shawn, andrew, trevor, jeremy, doug, theres been a few others that have come and gone. after that guy did that and i startet to see what people at school and the whole world in general was like, i told myself that i wouldnt let anything else get to me, and in time i became like a rock, seriously, i went to my grandfathers funeral, i saw my friends dad die in only a few months from cancer, i saw what the world could do and i never cried once, the world treated me like shit, i just lived and watched as other people met people and were happy and i saw couples and i wanted that too, i wanted someone but i thought, im just not good enough, theres no girls that like me and i thought it was me,i liked a few girls alot and they never even knew i existed, i told myself ewverynight that i wasnt good enough and that they could do better than me so i dont blame them for not liking me, theres other personal moments in my life that contributed to who i was, nothing bothered me, i never thought of killing myself but at times i didnt care if i was alive or not, i met this girl at work that i liked alot, i fought with my feelings everynight and day trying to think of one good reason why she would like me and one good reason to tell her how i felt, i think she played with me, one day she would seem like she might actually like me, then one day it would seem like she wanted nothing to do with me, and i finally excepted that i was meant to be alone, then through an act of God i met an angel called cherry, rightawy i knew she was truly special, all the feeling i had for this other girl were gone, i dont know exactly how quickly i fell in love with cherry but it wasnt long, i let myself get my hopes up again and i thought that i must be crazy to fall in love with a girl from california, then she told me she had a boyfriend and i thought i was used to getting put down by all those other girls, but this was different, it was like my heart got crushed but i tried not to let it show, i kept talking to her,trying to be a friend but wanting to be much more , one day she said she liked someone, i wanted more than anything to belive it could be me, but i never dreampt she would ever have any feelings for me,then one day a friend of ours told me who it was she liked, i remember smiling so wide, it was like a dream true, i talked to her and she said she liked me, she said she was jealous of me cuz i was perfect, i told her i thought she was perfect to except that she liked me, but i told her that i wasnt the kinda guy that could have a relationship over the net, it really hurt her too, and it hurt me more that she knew, because i wished to God that it could be different and that i could be closer to the first person i ever loved, i cared about my family and few friends and i would do anything for them, but i never loved them, me and cherry kept talkin , she knew i cared about her and i knew she cared about me, one day i called her, i was sooooo nervous, i didnt know what to say, we talked for a bit and i smiled for days after, i had rarely ever smiled before that , then after i called her a few more times, one day she said she had something to tell me, it took her a while and she was really nervous, so was i, but when she said she loved me, i think it was that very moment that the rest of the world went away, the wall i had built to keep my emotions in was gone, i was so nervous and happy and excited all i could say while smiling wider that ever was "well....i think i love you too" , i knew i loved her, i had no boubt, but we kept talking and one day she asked me "so what do you tell people when thay ask about us, like do you say im your girlfriend?"i told her im not sure what i would say but i would like to say she was, she said, "you know for you to be able to say that you would have to ask me out first" so i was nervous as hell but i asked her "cherry will you go out with me" and when she smiled and said yes i was happier than i had ever been, but i had started to get this feeling that i really wanted to hold her and be with her , then she told me that she had to tell her dad about me so she called him, i waited about 10 mins and i was nervous as hell and when she came back and told me her dad dint like me and everything i was crushed and knew that to be with her i would have to work harder than i realised, but i realised that the more i work to be with her the more it showed how much i love her, ive known cherry for 8 months, and i still .,ove her more everyday, and i still work hard to be with her and i still have no intention of ever giving up, she told me after her talk with her dad that if i couldnt handle it i should just go, i told her no, that i didnt want to go , im still here, and weve been through some really rough times, together and seperate, but i still love her with all my heart, shes all i think about , shes the first thing on my mind when i wake up, and the last thing on my mind when i go to bed, i hadnt cried for about 10 or more years, i felt nothing for many years, but when i met cherry she changed me, im the happiest man alive because of her, ive cried for hours just longing to hold her and scared to death of losing her, ive wrote poems for her, and i even bought her a beautiful gift for her birthday (which got broke and she still hasnt got) i sent her my teddy bear i had since i was really little, all to try to show how much i love her and how much i appreciate what shes done for me but i know i can never truly show her untill the day i can be with her, and even then i dont know if i can even truly show her, shes my angel, my cher bear, my sweety, my cutie, my ray of sunshine to warm me up in this cold dark world, shes my everything , through all that ive said i hope it shows her and everyone just a little piece of how much i love her, i know i cant put it in words, but i can say i really believe i have found the perfect girl and i love her with all my heart and someday if it is meant to be and if God wills it, ill hold her and ill look into her eyes and see into her soul and tell her that i love her i wish there was some way for me to say it and it would all be clear, but all i can say is cherry, i truly love you with all my heart please dont give up on us and send me back to being alone and cold like i was before, please keep giving me something to live for

Sometimes I wonder
If I'd ever make it through
Through this world
without having you
I just wouldn't have a clue
Cause sometimes it seems
Like this world's closing in on me
And there's no way of breaking free
And then I see you reach for me
Sometimes I wanna give up
Wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
And then I see you baby
And everything's alright
Everything's alright
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Baby when I see you smile at me
Oh yeah
Baby there's nothing in this world that could ever do
What the touch of your hand can do
It's like nothing that I ever knew
And when the rain is falling
I don't feel it
Cause you're here with me now
I wanna ask you baby
It's all Ill ever need
All I'll ever need
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile baby
Baby when I see you smile at me
Sometimes I wanna give up
I wanna give in
I wanna quit the fight
Then one look at you baby
And everything's alright
Hey everything's alright
It's alright
So right!
When I see you smile
I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything
When I see you smile
I see a ray of light
Oh I see it shining
right through the rain
When I see you smile
Yeah I can face the world
Oh you know I can do anything now
When I see you smile
Oh yeah
Baby when I see you smile
Smile at me (im not sure who wrote it but it wasnt me)

to paigie "its like im missing a piece of myself and i have to wat till june to find it"

JimmyJimJim27: (hopes it doesnt sound wierd and just says it) you really are beautiful you know
cs a million: hmm...*^_^*i dunno what to say to that...thank you
cs a million: *giggles and tries to not blush*
JimmyJimJim27: ive been meaning to say that for a while but all i was able to say was how cute you are
cs a million: awww

I'm never gonna say goodbye
Cos I never wanna see you cry
I swore to you my love would remain
And I swear it all over again and I
I'm never gonna treat you bad
Cos I never wanna see you sad
I swore to share your joy and your pain
And I swear it all over again

All over again

Some people say
That everything has got its place in time
Even the day must give way to the night
But I'm not buying
Cos in your eyes
I see a love that burns eternally
And if you see how beautiful you are to me
You'll know I'm not lying ----westlife-swear it again

i guess this isnt something thats been on my mind its just something i have to say, i really enjoy talking to you, theres something about your voice that makes the rest of the world just go away, and your giggle makes me smile everytime no matter how im feeling, ive been pretty down before when ive called you, but that quickly changes when i hear your voice, i think you have the cutest voice and you say the cutest things and i cant wait till the day when i dont have to hear your voice over the phone, when i can look at your cute face and listen to your cute voice at the same time and look into your beautiful eyes, i promise you i will look into your eyes and say i love you------from an email i sent cherry

cs a million: *giggles*
JimmyJimJim27: what ya gigglin about?
cs a million: nothing
JimmyJimJim27: ok
cs a million: *laughs softly and tries to hide it*
JimmyJimJim27: whats so funny?
cs a million: absolutely nothing
JimmyJimJim27: cmon tell me
cs a million: its just cute how you're acting

Bed of roses says:
(smiles softly) ok ill call ya after the picture and i take out my contacts, talk to ya then, love ya cher bear
If you're sexy and you know it clap your hands says:
love you too hunny bunny

Cherry says:
awwwwwwwwww!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*hugs and kisses you*that is so sweet!!!!!!!!!
i l ve y u cherry says:
(smiles softly and hugs and kisses back) so it helped you understand a bit?
Cherry says:
i l ve y u cherry says:
okie, then all that typing was worth it
Cherry says:
i l ve y u cherry says:
all that typing can me summarized into 3 little words.............i love you
Cherry says:
Cherry says:
i love you too

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